I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
