I'm so fucking centered right now
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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