I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
