its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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