Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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