you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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