You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
