somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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