dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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