in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
