My liver just broke up with me...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
