Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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