He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
