I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize