hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
