He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
