and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do herpes really smell.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
