I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
