i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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