i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
