I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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