I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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