There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
