Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
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So much rum. So many feels.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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