Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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