My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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