Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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