I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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