fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
