my phone needs a breathalizer
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
one might say we're banned from that church
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
