I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
one might say we're banned from that church
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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