I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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