Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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