Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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