I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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