...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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