Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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