You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
