The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
