my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
