Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
