I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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