he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The air was thick with penises
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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