dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
