She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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