I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
