booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
