it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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