Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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