I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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