i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
