im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i drank out of a bidet.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
