i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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