What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
