It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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