I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
