I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
