i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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