Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
