please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
