Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
