you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
