Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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