Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
